FMA: Legend of Pride
by Hungary's-Apprentices
Summary: Join Selim Bradley on a cracktastic journey to discover his horrible past and dangerous future along with a host of odd companions.
1. PrePrePrePrologue

**PrePrePrePrologue**

Solf J. Kimblee was getting bored. Sure, being submerged in a tempest of shrieking souls was nothing if not therapeutic. But after the screaming dies down, and the souls start to fade into oblivion, it can get a bit... uneventful. But Kimblee had a plan. Fifteen years of waiting would finally pay off.

* * *

**A/N  
Kez: This fic is not a troll fic.  
Gil: We promise. Maybe. We tried to make it as serious as possible. It didn't work.  
Kez: This is not suspiciously specific denial.  
Gil: Again, we promise. Maybe. **


	2. PrePrePrologue

**PrePrePrologue**  
Kimblee had been waiting so long. He could almost feel the wind in his hair, the breath of summer, the cold wind on a moonless night, but no. He had been trapped in the nothingness of Pride, Selim Bradley's, soul, waiting. Waiting, just waiting. For something to change in the emptiness. There was nothing to do, see, feel, here and it was... boring. And Kimblee disliked being bored.

* * *

**A/N  
Kez: We had three false starts when writing this fic. They were informative, so we didn't remove them.  
Gil: This is one, the PrePrePre was one, and the next is one. We think they're good. You might not. If not... PLEASE FLAME! WE'LL LOVE YOU FOR IT!  
Kez: We are not trolls. We just have never been flamed before, and fine this a great place to start. WE BEG YOU- FLAME US!  
Gil: WE WANT THE BURN! …..This is not reverse psychology in any way, shape or form.**


	3. PrePrologue

PrePrologue  
Now Kimblee had a plan. Fifteen years spent planning in the darkness, (actually about fourteen and a half, but fifteen was more dramatic). He knew what he had to do. it was quite easy in fact, and not even his idea (not that he would ever admit it.) He had taken the idea from GreedLing. He would first contact Selim, he was in his soul after all. No doubt he had forgotten about being a homunculus, but that could soon be fixed. Second he must have a container made for himself. Being trapped inside an adolescent's soul while being able to communicate with it was not something he wanted to endure very long.  
Of course, certain circumstances had to be met for such contact to be made. And Kimblee had been waiting so long, a few hours longer would be nothing.

* * *

**A/N:  
Kez: Gil wrote the most of this one. Blame her.  
Gil: Kez wrote all of the next one. In comparison this is nothing. You'll see :)  
Kez: SHUT UP GIL! Don't spoil it! Or say that I wrote that... thing...  
Gil: You did though... Don't worry, you'll love it :)**


	4. Prologue

THE REEEEAAAAAAL BEGINING

Prologue  
It was a plain day in Risemwhereever, but Winry was sick. And she died. And Ed was sad. And Envy mysteriously returned. And Ed was happy again and the two confessed their love and got married. and everyone was happy. Except Winry. 'Cause she's dead.

* * *

**A/N:  
Kez: Please kill me. Or burn me with flames.  
Gil: We promise the next chapter will be MUCH longer. By lots of words. And it might even have PLOT! *le gasp*  
Kez: PLOT? US? Nah, Gil, did ya stop taking your medicine?  
Gil: Maybe... But seriously. _Plot._**


	5. Chapter 1

**Chapter One !1!**  
Selim was having another average day in a life of average days. Once, long ago, he had wanted to be an alchemist, but the look that mother gave him when he said so stopped him in his tracks, His father had been a high ranking officer, and now his father was dead. Mom didn't want him to get involved in anything dangerous, and he knew that, but still... He had wanted to be an alchemist since he was very little. He had told Uncle Ed once and the look that he had given him was quite scary.  
"I think you'd be better off being just an average citizen," Ed had told him.  
Selim had went home crying that day- though he'd never admit that HE had ever cried. Selim Bradley was a very prideful person, he never cried where others could see. Selim didn't want to be an average citizen, he wasn't supposed to be one. He was something more. More important, more... he didn't even know, but not an average human. He had no idea why he spurned that word. But its connotation seemed... low. Beneath him.  
Today he was in Risembool visiting Uncle Ed, and he couldn't find him anywhere.  
"The midget's out back," Aunt Envy had said, (((hahah, thought I forgot about the prologue?))) And Selim went out there.  
Uncle Ed stood on the top of the hill, and around him were four coffins.  
"What are those?" Selim asked.  
"Nothing at all. "  
Selim noticed that there was supposed to be a fifth coffin, but it was dug up and opened. "What's that?" he asked.  
Uncle Ed looked over. "A plothole." He said. "This is where your Aunt Envy should have been buried before she miraculously woke up one day and started banging on the roof of her coffin begging to be let out." He sighed. "I still regret digging her up..."  
"And the other coffins?" Young Selim asked.  
"Those are your... I mean my... Uh... Former enemies? :)"  
"-_-" Selim didn't buy it.  
"Well, I was going to have a friend buried here () but then Ling- idiot prince- got upset and got him a freakin palace built in his honor back in Xing. And my once best-enemy-who-I-hate-no-really was buried here, but then she woke up. And your father is NOT buried here hahaha, I mean, why would the Fuhrer be buried where I put my former enemies hahahaha?"  
Selim decided to ignore his Uncle for now. He was always acting crazy like this. Just last week he had graffitied a copy of Al's old armor with... obscene things. (It had actually been pretty funny to watch Al beat him up over that one.)  
"I'm just here because my mom wanted to invite you over for dinner tomorrow night. Something about neighborly goodness or something" Selim shrugged. "The Palm Tree can come too" he said gesturing at Envy.  
"Sure, why not. " Ed said.  
Suddenly Selim got a splitting headache. "I gotta go!" He told Uncle Ed, and ran tumbling off into the fields. His head hurt so much... OUCHOUCH AGHHH PAIN...

Then it was over. A firework inside his brain had gone off and now all that remained was smoke. He watched it take the form of a man, the white of the smoke some very... white... clothing.  
"Pride?" The man asked. He looked vaguely familiar, like someone from a dream. He had seen him somewhere, but he had no idea where.  
"Hello? Pride?" The man repeated. He stopped short, as if realizing something. "Sorry, Selim?"  
Selim started at the mention of his name. This wasn't some hallucination... those happened outside of your brain... right?  
"Selim, I know you can hear me." The man had a disapproving look on his smokey face.  
"W-who are you?" Selim asked, mystified.  
(("the ghost of the christmas present")) "I am Solf J. Kimblee." The man replied, taking off his hat and putting it to his chest. "Pleased to meet you."  
Solf J. Kimblee... that name sounded familiar, like the whole man had been someone he knew well, and had forgotten.  
"Why are you in my head?" Selim asked lamely. What else was he supposed to say?  
"Not in your head, per se" Kimblee replied, putting his hat back on his head. "In your soul."  
"My soul?" Selim repeated, mystified. What is that supposed to mean?  
"It means I can hear your thoughts, however contemptible they may be" Kimblee said, a bit miffed.  
Selim tried testing that put. That man is weird. He looks funny- what sort of MAN has that long hair? And who wears white suits? And he's starting to sound like he's pretending to be nice but is about to eat me alive. And he's ugly. And his hat is stupi-"  
"Please don't insult the hat." Kimblee was still standing there smiling, but the smile had... changed.  
"I was just testing out your claims." Selim said innocently. "It seems you weren't lying."  
"Would I lie?"  
"I don't know, I only just met you." Selim replied.  
"Oh, so you still don't remember?" Kimblee asked.  
"Remember what?"  
"Hasn't Fullmetal said it himself many times before? I thought you would have figured it out already."  
"Said what?" Selim asked, starting to feel frustrated.  
"All that crap about you being his enemy? Even while stuck inside the middle of your soul I could tell the contempt he has for you. Haven't you felt it?"  
Selim thought for a moment. Ed always did seem a bit... wary around him (unless he was drunk, but Selim was NOT going to think about that.) As did the other villagers.  
"See, that's exactly what I mean!" Kimblee said.  
"Would you stop doing that?" Selim asked.  
"It's not like I have a choice. I am stuck inside your soul, after all."  
"How can I get you out of my soul?"  
Kimblee smiled. finally, he's asking the right questions! "I can tell you how. First you'll need a container. I'll do the rest."

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

"THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT WHEN I SAID CONTAINER!"  
"Well at least you're out of my head now." Selim said, looking down at the smoky man trapped inside the tupperware.

END OF CHAPTER ONE, NE?

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**A/N:****  
****Kez: Proud of us? I know I am.****  
****Gil: I see what you did there!****  
****Kez: …. It makes sense.****  
****Gil: Anyway. Flame it or love it. We'll give you internet cookies if you do.****  
****Kez: In all honesty, we'd much prefer the first. They don't call us -not- trolls for nothing, eh?****  
****Gil: Next chapter will be long too! Possibly. You'll have to find out for yourself. We're done being nice. :)****  
****Kez: They call that blackmail, yaknow? Or... I doubt anyone cares enough about this to... *gives up***


	6. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER TWO!2!**

"Let me out of here now, Selim!" Kimblee tried ordering the adolescent. It didn't work. Not that he had expected it to. He had been trapped in the tupperware for nearly an hour, and Selim wouldn't let him out.  
"Tell me what homunculi are." Selim said stubbornly. That had been his demand since Kimblee had first asked to be let out.  
"I told you, I'll tell you when you let me out"  
"And I won't let you out until you tell me"  
Deadlock.  
Will vs. Will  
Honor vs. Honor  
Pride vs. Pride.  
And Selim was Pride.  
"What if I tell you half now, half when you let me out?" Kimblee pleaded.  
"All or nothing"  
Kimblee sighed. "Fine." He peered out at Selim through the clear part of the tupperware. "Come closer."  
"No, I can hear you just fine where I am, thank you very much." Selim shook his head. "And I'm not stupid."  
"Well it was worth a shot."  
"Just tell me. After that I'll let you out. I promise."  
"You had better sit down." Kimblee said.  
Selim eyed the smoky man suspiciously. "Why?"  
"No reason, it just makes it more dramatic."  
"Just tell me already," Selim said, his voice becoming dangerously low.  
"Ok, Ok" Kimblee said, pretending to be scared. Pride shows through... He thought. Not as different as I had thought. "A homunculus is..."  
THREE HOURS LATER  
Selim stared at Kimblee with wide eyes. "So I'm supposed to be a fake human made by this suspicious character who calls himself 'Father' and my dad is too?" He burst into wild OOC laughter. "How gullible do you think I am?"  
Kimblee raised his smokey hands in protest. "I swear it's the truth!"  
Selim raised an eyebrow. "And he was defeated by Uncle Ed? That Uncle Ed? And Auntie Envy is a former homunculus? I could believe you if you didn't try to make it sound like those two were actually awesome or something."  
Kimblee sighed. "Winry was alive back then, before she was killed off for the sake of the authors yaoi fantasies. She managed to handle all of the crazy and angst and make it bearable for everybody. But she's dead."  
"Sad."  
"You'd better find yourself a Winry to keep you in check. Main characters with love interests are typically less likely to die in the end. Hopefully."  
"So who's your love interest?" Selim asked teasingly.  
"Why you, of course, dear Selim." Seeing Selim's shocked and disgusted face, Kimblee said, rolling his eyes."No one, I'm dead."  
"But you're right there..." Selim said, pointing to the tupperware.  
"It's called a plot hole! You just saw one in Ed's backyard, remember?"  
"Ok, nevermind." It was Selim's turn to roll his eyes. "So lets say I actually believe that crap story about the homunculi. Which homunculi was Father? Who was I?  
"Your father was Wrath, although he wasn't your biological father." Kimblee started.  
"Well, I know that" Selim interrupted.  
"I know you know, I was simply stating the obvious, because our readers might have forgotten." Kimblee said, gesturing to the broken fourth wall.  
"Oh, right. Forgot about them. Continue."  
"You were Pride." Kimblee said, looking for Selim's reaction.  
"Oh, so that's why you called me that when I first saw you." Selim said, realization dawning on his face. "Not that I believe this is true or anything." He quickly said, being the tsundere the authors just spur-of-the moment decided to make him.  
"What will it take for you to believe me?" Kimblee asked, starting to get desperate. He really did not like tupperware pots. In fact, though he would never ever admit this aloud, he had a deadly fear of them, from his childhood days when he had burned his hand when using one.  
That was what had compelled him to learn alchemy so he could destroy all tupperware pots in brilliant explosions and create world pea... Um... Well, he would be happy at least.  
"Nothing will make me believe you."  
"Isn't that a bit extreme? What if you asked a neutral third party or something?"  
Selim sighed. He knew who he'd end up asking- Uncle Ed was a former main character after all, and it seemed most plot-points eventually made their way back to him- and he really didn't want to have to spend more time than necessary with his crazy Uncle.

ONE WALK TO AN ED'S HOUSE LATER  
"Uncle Ed?" Selim peered around the side of the house where Uncle Ed had been previously. In his arms was a VERY unhappy tupperware!Kimblee.  
"Did you expect him to still be out there?" Kimblee asked him.  
"Well, this is kind of a crackfic, and it's usually easy for complicated things to happen... so yes. But it was worth a try anyway." Selim sighed. "I wonder what happened to him?"  
"Happened to who?" Ed's voice came from behind Selim.  
"Oh, aren't you supposed to be gone to make the plot more interesting?" Selim asked, seeing him and Aunt Envy standing together.  
"Complicated plots are boring and I just escaped from the canon. Now ask me the question."  
"I haven't even told you I'm going to ask you a question yet!"  
"Oh yeah..." Ed thought for a moment. "So, tell me you have to ask me a question."  
"I have to ask you a question." Selim complied with Ed.  
"Really? What a surprise!" Ed said convincingly, being the good actor he was(not).  
"Am I a homunculus?"  
Silence.  
"Hello?"  
Envy shook her head. "Sorry, he needs to get back into character to answer that question. Just a sec."  
Ed snapped forward like he had been slapped. He looked oddly at Envy, then opened his mouth as though about to... Selim wasn't sure, but it looked like he was about to start a fight with her or something.  
"Why are you in a girls body?" Uncle Ed asked Auntie Envy.  
She sighed. "This always happens when he gets back in character."

* * *

**A/N:  
Gil: I GOT THE FIRST SAY! *goal achieved*  
Kez: Is this chapter even done yet? Oh, cliffhangers? We stooped that low? Or is this just part of your evil plot to beat me- DAMN YOU, GIL! THIS HAPPENED ONCE, BUT NEVER AGAIN! !  
Gil: We shall see... FLAME US! PLEASE! Or if you actually like this (if you do, you're as insane as us) be nice? Maybe? No? Oh well...  
Kez: And maybe we should actually write something that isn't complete crack one of these days...  
Gil: Yeah right.**


End file.
